Having courage: Talking to our kids

The instinct to protect our children from harmful ideas or influences is strong. Unfortunately, this parental instinct combined with cultural stigma about mental illness can create a perfect storm of silence around issues of suicide, depression and self-harm. In Canada approximately 500 youth between the ages of 15 and 24 years die by suicide. Suicide is not, in itself a mental disorder, but it is often the tragic result of untreated mental illness or disorder. Globally, suicide is among the top three causes of death for young people.Suicide is often the result of a complex set of factors. Not all young people who die by suicide have a mental illness or disorder.

For a parent, the very thought of losing a child in this way is excruciating. We pretend suicide doesn’t happen. Often families who have lost someone to suicide will keep the cause of death a secret. It is as if somewhere between the pressures of stigma and a fear of being responsible for ‘introducing’ the idea into someone else’s head, we become paralyzed. Suicide must be talked about in responsible ways, without the sensationalism that is often offered in the media. If a suicide happens at your child’s school or in the community, you must find a way to discuss this with your children. If we behave as if we are embarrassed or fearful, we shut down important lines of communication. If we send them the message that the topic is taboo, they may feel ashamed to come to us when they need our help.

Kids need to know that at some point in their life they are going to have really bad feelings. Sometimes these bad feelings may come as a result of something that happens, or sometimes because our brains, like our tummies, can get sick. They need to know that if they are scared and feeling hopeless, that they can talk to us. If they are too scared to talk to us, then there are people they can call such as Kids Help Phone. They need to know that if they have a friend who is feeling hopeless, a friend they are worried about, that adults are here to assist them to find the best possible help. They need to know that there is no shame in getting help, and no shame in finding professional help for a friend they are worried about. If a friend is talking about suicide, whether in person or on the internet, then it needs to be taken seriously and trusted adults need to be notified.

Despite our best efforts to reach out, children and teens often lead private lives. Whether it is through a secret facebook or formspring account, or use of a chat room on the family computer when we are not home, they may be exposed to influences or ideas that may worry us. That is why it is extremely important to keep resources such as the Kids Help Phone on the family fridge or message board so they have a place to go for help if they have stumbled upon something they are afraid to share with us.

Talking about suicide is no easy task. If you find yourself in a situation where your child is asking questions or is aware of a suicide in the community, rest easy knowing that there are resources out there if we feel like we are ‘in over our heads’ with the tough questions.  For more information please visit: Suicideinfo.ca or TeenMentalHealth.org . Kids Help Phone may be reached at: 1.800.668.6868.

--Ardath and Stan